Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Horse With No Name

I guess the BBC wasn't the only one confused about what the current Chinese New Year was supposed represent.  I was under the mistaken impression that this-the year of the horse-was to be my year.

Instead, I just learned from feng shui experts that this year is going to suck.  The masters say that we, my fellow horses, will have chaos, disputes and money problems. Throw a little wood and fire into the mix (our yin and yang earth signs) and we've got the makings of a real apocalypse. Somehow, I can't shake the image of a Trojan Horse going up in flames in my ugly, flooded-out yard with all the dead trees and bushes adding flames to the fire..

But I think these feng shui guys may be onto something about money problems.  January certainly started off with a bang.  The Polar Vortex and a broken water pipe in the garage.  A failed auto inspection, $400 in repairs and I failed on the reinspection.  February began with a nail in a tire.  The new snow blower crapping out after only three storms. COBRA insurance running out and not being able to figure out Obamacare. The puppy eating a pair of Victoria Secret underwear. A good pair too-one that matched a bra just in case the BBC has this year right after all.

And there's more to throw my life into a tizzy.  Besides not being a couple anymore,  I'm reeling from the news that I'm not a Libra anymore either. Who knew that the earth hasn't rotated straight these last 2600 years so now I'm scientifically a Virgo?  I'm so-o-o confused.  Am I still a diplomatic and peaceful, yet unreliable Libra, or now an analytical and reliable, yet cold Virgo??? Do I want my Libra back rubbed, or my Virgo belly scratched? Should I take Advil or Tylenol for my headache from all of this?

I always looked at my horoscope as an amusement. It goes back to disco days when guys in shiny Huckapoo shirts and platform shoes would hit on you with the line "Hey baby, what's your sign?"  Nowadays, it's fun like playing the lottery-if you believe it hard enough maybe it will come true.  Except that I don't want to believe anything about this year's Chinese or anyone else's astrology.  Reading horoscopes, like obituaries, just makes me think of the Zombie Apocalypse or Doomsday Preppers.  Maybe there's a subliminal message in my horoscope explaining why I've got a pantry stocked with food I really don't know why I bought.

The feng shui masters say that the yin and yangs of Aquarius and Gemini men born in the Chinese year of the Sheep, Horse, Tiger or Dog seem to be in pretty good simpatico with me.  If they happen to be plumbers or auto mechanics, especially this year, I can believe in magic. But I just can't see me going up to one of them and asking them "What's your sign?" Because I gave away my Huckapoo shirts decades ago.

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